My Mosaic

[Jynx]

@Bow I may not have had anywhere near the extent of your struggles with ED but I err... for lack of better phrasing, dabbled? in my early 20's. That body dysmorphia is vicious. Anything reinforced by popular media is. It's easier to cut  a person out of one's life than it is to cut out a prevailing toxic social value.

Ramble ramble ramble is mainly to say - these thoughts aren't even really yours hun. The idea that your body is anything other than a miracle is purely the result of capitalism and advertising  and it pains me that it causes you so much suffering.  

So what helped me a lot was my journey with dancing - shifting my perspective from 'omg how does my dancing look' to 'ooh how does my dancing feel'... And then kinda carrying that on - thinking of my body not in terms of how it appears to others, but in terms of what it does for me. Every bit of it too! If I was feeling ick about my tummy pudge, I wouldn't try to tell myself I wasn't pudgey, cos I would not have believed it for a moment! But instead saying thanks to my legs for carrying me around all day. Or being grateful to my eyes for how they see the colours in the sunset. Or my hands for how they can warm the hands of my loved ones. 

Slowly that also started extending to the squishy bits... like now I am able to give thanks to my tummy pudge for keeping me warmer in winter and being an extra soft spot for my partners to snuggle, hehehe. 

I dunno if this is all familiar territory from like your group days and stuff but yeah, was there something your body did today that you could express some small gratitude for? Even just pulling itself out of bed can be considered an acomplishment for any person who has been stuck in survival mode as long as you have!! 

[Bow]

Sorry that it’s been something that you have struggled with a bit @Jynx 

I understand what you are saying. Like I get it and it’s definitely something that I am familiar with. People have even reminded me of that scripture that tells me that my body is a temple of the Holy Spirit and blah blah blah. 

My hatred towards my body is so very deep. I can’t even imagine being thankful for any part of it. I think it’s even a double edge sword when I’ve got this hatred… plus battle all this suicidality stuff and wish for my body to give up. So I can’t even be thankful for my heart beating and keeping me alive cause I wish it wouldn’t. and then you got all the SH. Like that all feeds into it too. 

I wanna say more but I’d probably get in trouble or get it removed. 😩

[AuntGlow]

Hello @Bow, 

Yes, I used to watch those shows too! I hope this helped you take a pleasant trip down memory lane - maybe you could watch one of those cartoons tonight? I wonder if it would be nurturing for little Bow? 🥰

I have read how hard today has been for you, and whilst I haven't lived in your shoes and can't truly understand what this has been like personally, please know that I have experienced so many moments where I have felt similarly to this. It's utterly awful and I get how all-consuming they can be. We should be allowed to feel safe, joyous, and comfortable in our skin - no matter what. I can feel how prominent this internalised voice is for you. I know it won't change overnight and that self-compassion is hard right now... but please know that we have all the compassion in the world for you. And more to the point, we are glad you are here. 

What do you need right now to feel more grounded? 💛

[Bow]

Thanks for your words @AuntGlow  you have such a calming way with what you say. 

just curled up on the couch with my cat. Finishing home and away and then going to watch some 24 I think. 

these are my mh communication cards I did today. I already had some, but I needed to add more, so I redid them all the same. 

 

 

[Jynx]

@Bow I know hun, I know this struggle runs deep. Ach, one last thought stream. what about thanking your arms for their ability to hug your D? Your ears that allow you to listen to music? Your eyes that let your read these words, and see and make art? Your toes for when they feel tingly in hot sand? Your nose for always sneezing out the nasties? Your neck for being the perfect spot for your little one's head?

I know it's not much. Like @AuntGlow says these thoughts don't change overnight. Clawing our way through recovery by the tiniest glimmers of hope is so hard to do. But those tiny glimmers can become the brightest stars hun... You may not believe me, and that's ok. Still gonna stick with you through it all! 

Catch you tomorrow 💜

[AuntGlow]

@Bow I am glad that I can support you. ✨

I think this sounds really relaxing and grounding - a perfect combo. 

Oh wow, I love these so much, Bow!!! I wish we all had some (perhaps a future business idea? hehe). 

These look incredibly helpful. Have you been able to use any of them yet? 

Also, I wanted to add that I think @Jynx's idea of connecting with all the ways your body allows you to experience the world, and how it helps you to enjoy life, is such a beautiful way to reconnect with your body beyond appearance. Please let us know what other things you find from this perspective, we'd love to hear what you come up with. 🥰

[Bow]

Yeah @AuntGlow  i think perhaps lots of people could make use of cards like them. They wanted me to do them as an art project at my arts and craft group. People can individualize them. 

I’ve used them previously with my SW. she thinks they are a really good idea, especially for me. My CM and psychologist don’t like them unfortunately and prefer I just speak 😩😩

it’s been very wet here today. Lots and lots of rain. Hoping it clears tomorrow as we start moving

hows your day been?

[Bow]

Maybe I could be thankful for being able to hug my D @Jynx  that is perhaps all I think I could manage at the moment. 

I seen my psychologist today. I had hoped that she would be off sick again as my CM said she has been the rest of the week, but nope. She called to confirm that she was in.

Then my SW called… and said that she could meet me there and sit and wait like she does. Boo. She sent someone else but I didn’t really know them. 

I tried to convey to my psych what the last 2 weeks have been like, but I don’t think I did a very good job. Just couldn’t find many words. And I think sometimes I can say words… but they just ain’t powerful/meaningful/strong enough. Like I can say I really hate my body. But it’s so much deeper and bigger than that. Like in my head at the moment there are 2 pictures…. There’s a ‘I really hate my body’ scribble- a small scribble. And then there is my ‘I really hate my body’ scribble- it fills the page, it’s dark with not much white paper left to see. How do you express that in words??? How do you express feelings that have no words??? I sure hope that makes sense. 

anyways… I hadn’t seen her for 2 weeks…. And I’ll see her for the next 2 weeks and then she is on leave for 4 weeks. So what do you do in that time?? 

I told her a bit about all the house hunting overwhelm and how it’s been everyone’s focus and people don’t seem to care about how I am amongst it all. Think we are gonna do some work on that next week. 

oh… and I’m pretty sure she is pregnant 🤦🏼‍♀️

how’s your day? Hope it’s not as wet as it is here??

[AuntGlow]

@Bow You're so talented, they really are awesome. 🤩

I get how it might be important to verbalise your feelings and challenge yourself in that space, but sometimes we do need other strategies, and it can be really, really hard to speak things aloud. What you have created here is actually very savvy, and I get the sense they could help you to feel safer sharing verbally over time?

Oh yes! I hope so for you too. 🤞

My day has been good, although I hurt myself in pilates and now I am in a little bit of pain. Hoping that some rest over the weekend will help. 

What has the evening got in store for you? 💛

[Bow]

Yeah I really struggle a lot of the time to communicate things verbally @AuntGlow im good with written stuff, but getting words out verbally is often a barrier in my recovery. Some words are just really hard to speak. My old psych was great, she let me write all the time. And my support workers all understand. But my current psych and my case manager, nope. Have to speak. So progress has not been good. 
you know sometimes all I need is to be able to share one sentence… ‘I need to talk about this… or this is currently happening’ and it’s like the topic is out there and I can talk easier. But no. It doesn’t make my therapy space such a safe space really. 
anyways I’ve vented a lot about it. 

Ouch! How often do you do Pilates?

I’m just chilling on the couch tonight. Seen my psych today and don’t tend to do too much after that. We get the keys for our new house in the morning and pick up the van at midday to start moving. Listening to the rain bucketing down right now 🌧️