My Mosaic

[tyme]

Hey @Bow ,

Hearing you. Sounds like things are getting on top of her. I hope she's okay.

At the same time, I know it doesn't make things easier for you. As you said, you've got enough on your plate. Now I know what you meant by walking on eggshells.

Did you both just end up retreating to your own spaces?

Also, I know in your old place, you had space quite far from others in the house. Do you have the same luxury in this new place?

[Bow]

Doubt it @AuntGlow 

laying in bed crying can’t even be bothered anymore I do not feel safe and really just need my meds to kick in so I can sleep 

[tyme]

We hope and pray that tomorrow is a fresher start? We are sitting with you.

Out of curiosity, do you find that sleep sometimes resets things @Bow ?

[Bow]

Not really @tyme …. Well maybe sometimes but not often. 

gonna go now. Getting sleepy.

thanks

[tyme]

Take care my friend!

Will see you soon! @Bow 

[AuntGlow]

I know it feels awful, but sometimes slowing things down, having a cry, and curling up in bed really helps me to regulate. @Bow 

I can see you are feeling sleepy, so I hope you get some rest - we will check in tomorrow. ✨🌛

[Bow]

TW- ED stuff

i haven’t weighted myself in a really long time. For many reasons. It’s just not healthy. It becomes an obsession. It tends to feed my ED and encourage it. 
I’ve been desperate for ages to weigh myself cause I just wanted to see what the numbers were and my ED really wanted to use it as something to push me. It’s been this tug o war of my healthy self not wanting to do it and then my ED really wanting to. 

well this morning I caved. I weighed myself and I am absolutely repulsed by the numbers. 

I am already really struggling with ED behaviors, but this is going to add to it so much more. 

[rav3n]

hey @Bow i’m really sorry the number hit you so hard today. it makes sense that it would, especially with everything you're already navigating. i'm sure you've heard it before, how the number doesn't define your worth - and even though it might be hard to believe, i assure you, no single thing could define such complex beings like us (whether that's a number on a scale, a grade we receive on a test, etc). 

please be extra gentle with yourself today. you’re not back at square one - one moment doesn’t undo all your progress. you're here, reaching out and trying your best to keep going - and that in itself shows a lot of strength. sending you hugs 💗

even though you might be feeling icky right now, is there something nice you can do for yourself to challenge the feeling? 

[Bow]

Not really @rav3n  just trying to breathe through the yuck. 

I went and met with my SW today at a local cafe. Just had a cuppa. But we sat and chatted for ages but it was all so casual. I know maybe she didn’t wanna talk serious stuff out in public. But I send her this huge long message last week and we haven’t spoken about it. What’s the point of me pouring everything out??? 

we spoke briefly about my psychologist being back from her holiday and that I will see her this week. But i said to her it feels really hard cause she is going on maternity leave beginning of September, so it feels really hard getting back into things…. Which is already really hard cause there’s been so many issues between us, just to have to stop again. 
And my SW went on this really long rant about how changes are good. She went on and on about it. But nothing in me felt like it was a good thing. And I sat there wondering to myself is she preparing me for a change in SW??? I don’t want that. No nope no. Sigh.

[rav3n]

ahh that's not great... it can feel kinda awkward when you've poured your heart out and then the message doesn't get addressed, hey? @Bow i am curious as to why she hasn't addressed... and maybe like you've mentioned, there possibly could be another SW coming up (which i really hope not as well). sucks to hear that they spent time expressing how 'good' change is rather than supporting you/preparing you for those changes. how do you feel about asking SW about your suspicions... asking if there's going to be another SW change?