My Mosaic

[Bow]

Not really @AuntGlow  still not feeling great.

[AuntGlow]

Would you like to talk about it at all? Or would you like a distraction? @Bow 💗

[Bow]

I don’t even know what to talk about @AuntGlow  or where to even start. 

i constantly struggle with feeling unsupported. Cause I’m too stupid and can’t communicate my needs properly. I haven’t had a proper conversation or visit from my SW in ages. That’s partly cause she didn’t wanna come here while we are unpacking and get in the way. I sent her some photos of my cards yesterday cause I was struggling to take her calls, so she told me to send cards, reply via text. So I did. Nothing. She called me briefly this morning to see if I was going to group. I made myself. Like literally forces myself to get out of the house. She came into the office. Briefly complimented my rock art and then went and sat with someone else. 
My Psychologist is online leave til mid July. She asked what supports I might need/like while she is away. I said just more contact from the team/my CM. My CM did a home visit on Saturday, and booked in my next visit… for a fortnights time. She usually does weekly while my psych is away. 

Then I got my psych being away til mid July, then she is back for a bit and then goes on mat leave early September. My CM mentioned it and said no talk about who’s gonna replace until my psych is back? Like what the hell??? 6 weeks of absolute unknown. They are all on the same team so why not get the ball rolling on at least what my options are???

My body. It’s vulgar, absolutely disgusting. I know I’ve spoken about it before, but this is a daily all day nearly every minute of each day screaming voice inside my head that does not shut up. It is like always there. Constant. Relentless. It affects so much of my daily life. I won’t go into any other details. It would probably get removed anyways. But the hate is deep and big and huge and whatever other words. 

sorry that was all so long that’s just a little of what’s going on inside and that all leads to a very low mood at the moment. I have chronic SH thoughts and often act upon them and I am constantly scared of acting upon my SI. It’s exhausting. I deal with flashbacks and nightmares, frequent dissociation and I’ve withdrawn a lot. There is a lot of expectation upon me at home which I hate. 

I feel crummy now. Sorry 

[AuntGlow]

You're not stupid at all. Your feelings of being unsupported are completely valid. 💗 @Bow 

I am really glad you were able to articulate your needs to your psychologist. I am frustrated for you that you aren't receiving clear communication. That must feel very confusing and vulnerable... can you let your CM know how you're feeling about everything through an email? 

Regarding how you're feeling towards your body... you're allowed to have these thoughts and feelings, but know that just because they exist, it doesn't make them true.

Are you familiar with Tara Brach at all and her concept around 'RAIN'?

It stands for: 

Recognize what is happening;
Allow the experience to be there, just as it is;
Investigate with interest and care;
Nurture with self-compassion.'

This allows room for our feelings to be there and to either be expressed or simply held. Once this happens, they tend not to take over the body and mind as much. I wonder if this is something you'd be open to exploring? If so, I can send a meditation you can follow? 💛

This really does sound like so much to manage every day, and I can hear how exhausted you are feeling... what do you need most right now to stay as safe as possible? 

[Bow]

I feel stupid @AuntGlow  I feel stupid that I can’t do something as simple as communicating what I need. I’m even given the option to write stuff down and can’t even seem to utilize that correctly. 

I might have been able to tell my psych what I need while she is away, it’s another thing for me to actually receive that.  And nope, I can’t write anything to my CM. She doesn’t allow that. I’m not allowed to email her. My old CM I had her mobile number so I could at least message her- but this one said no. As long as it’s used appropriately I don’t see the issue? But no. 

I haven’t heard of that lady nor RAIN. It sounds like something I’ve perhaps heard of before. It’s the N that I would really struggle with. Nurturing, self compassion and anything nice towards myself is really hard. Don’t deserve it. I also really struggle with meditation..,, my head is way too noisy and I get distracted so easily. 

im not sure what I need. Needing to feel safer is one.., but not sure what’s gonna help that. I’m staying about people, that helps, but in my head… it’s a mess and it’s dark

[tyme]

Hey @Bow , hearing you. I get distracted with meditation too. I find I have to keep pulling myself back, and this is part of the brain training.

What did you get up today? Also, how have you settled into your place?

[Bow]

Hi @tyme 

I did a few things around the house this morning and then I went to my arts and craft group. We finished off our rock paintings.

 

[tyme]

Wow! They are so awesome @Bow !

How is your art and craft group going anyway?

[Bow]

It’s going ok @tyme  they had another office join us for a while, but as of today they have stopped that. It was too many people, too loud and crowded and people were complaining apparently. I get that. It was a lot more people and it was very overstimulating. 

I meet with the manager months ago, we did some brainstorming and came up with a heap of ideas. She purchased everything we would need. That was ages ago. Some workers still lump the responsibility on me or at least try to and I just say no. The manager said last week that they need to put together a plan. A plan in advance. Which I agreed. 

think next week though they are going to start working on making a tree for naidoc week. One of them googled how to make one… and then showed me last week and asked if it would be possible to make. I said yes. Then I think the plan is for people attending the event can write their name/things on paper leaves and put them on the tree. 

[tyme]

It sounds like they really value your input @Bow 

Do you feel it is too much for you to lead the group?

Your talent is incredible.

Any more projects up your sleeve?