My Mosaic

[tyme]

Heya @Bow , I'm coming to say a fleeting hello and good night. We have ASIST training again all day tomorrow, but I hope to catch you later in the evening once I get home.

[Bow]

@AuntGlow  Mr sloth is from Kmart.., @rav3n  wants one too.

yeah comparison is a huge thing for those that have EDs in general, do it was kind of a double whammy for me… not only did I compare the size of my body, but also a lot of other physical features. 

I am so extremely self conscious of my body. It has changed a lot in recent months and it eats me up a lot. 

you know I grew up absolutely hating my hair. My hair is auburn (got a face full of freckles to go with it too) and I hated the colour. Started from a young age colouring it all sorts of colours. It was really thick too. Maybe into my 30’s I started liking the natural colour. In recent years I also learnt that my hair is naturally a bit curly and was learning how to embrace that. But now my hair is thinning so much, brushing my hair, washing my hair and colouring it (I colour it auburn to hide the grey streak I have) is so distressing. 

Sure you can ask about my daughter. She is 9, nearly 10. She is very artsy and crafty like me, she is totally obsessed with dragons, loves reading wings of fire books, she makes dragon hand puppets and spends way too much time on the iPads! I raised her all girly, vintages clothes and handmade dresses (I use to make nearly all her clothes) but she won’t wear a dress anymore! And she loves to make a mess and not clean up! 😤 but I love her to pieces. She is my reason to get up and a big part of my safety plan/protective factor. I’ve pretty much raised her by myself since she was 18mths old. She sees her father fortnightly of a Saturday and half a Sunday a month. No sleepovers- she’s tried numerous times but comes home very upset late at night. Which is totally fine with me, prefer her home with me where I know she is safe. My now ex husband was not the person I thought he was. Lived an entirely secret life behind my back. 

I seen my psychologist today. Was a weird appointment. 30mins instead of the usual hour. I now don’t see her again until mid July as she is away for a month. And she also confirmed my suspicions that she is pregnant and will go on leave in September. It’s all a bit unsettling and stuff. 

it must be nice going into the office and being around colleagues, it would make a huge difference seeing the bigger picture. I think you mentioned you’ve been in the field for a while now? Doing similar work? 

do you have weekend plans? 

[Bow]

The prospect of changing psychologist again is really hitting me this arvo. I suspected she was pregnant 2 weeks ago, but she confirmed it today. And I’ve never really fully settled with her, never fully felt comfortable with her. But now knowing it’s going to happen? 
she’s away for a month now. Back mid July. Going on maternity leave beginning of September, so a month and half to do what? 
feeling really unsettled. No one really to talk about it to. 

[Snowie]

Hi @Bow 

Whilst I haven't changed psych's for awhile now, I know how daunting it can be. It feels like you are starting all over again. And now, what do you speak to the psych about, knowing that they will be on leave soon.

Can your SW help? Maybe have some options of who your new psych will be?

I do know how it feels when our supports take leave. It is really hard to deal with, really hard to know what to do. It can feel like we have just been deserted.

[Bow]

Hey @Snowie  ive been wanting to change psychs for so long cause I just haven’t connected with my current one. But it was never really an option or I just never had the courage to ask. But now that it’s actually going to happen, I’m freaking out. 

im really hoping that they will give me some options as to who it will be? There is one lady there that I’ve worked in a group with and I really liked her- I’d like I ask for her to be my psych, but she is on a different team I think? So they will probably say no. 

my psych even said today that it’s completely normal for people to even have a break in therapy? Is that what she is hinting at for me to do?? She didn’t even mention the option of it being someone else, just that I could have a break. 

my SW has been away the last 2 days- sick I assume. She’s working Sunday and Monday. But she’ll be the only one on so probably not the time to talk. 

my CM is supposed to to be coming to do a home visit on Saturday, so will see if she says anything. 

how’s your day been?

[Snowie]

Our thinking can be really weird @Bow 

We don't really gel with them so maybe another psych would be better. But when the change comes, it freaks us out.

I'd be scared to ask for someone specific, but I guess if you don't ask you might spend lots of time wondering. Maybe it is something you can ask your CM about. Maybe they might be able to suggest someone for you.

I'm not sure about the break hon. I know that I wouldn't want one. I guess it just depends on where you are in your MH journey and if it's the best thing for you or not. I think this is very much and individual thing. I would hope that this decision is entirely up to you and your team doesn't make it for you.

My day has been crap.

[Bow]

I totally don’t think a break would be wise for me @Snowie  she probably think I’d be ok cause I’m skipping sessions and not really putting 100% in, but that’s cause I have never felt completely comfortable with her, especially after our recent … hmm trying to remember what she called it, can’t remember, but things happened a while back and I put all my walls back up again. 

I’ll be honest, I’m not sure how helpful my CM will be. But she’s the one that I have to talk to I guess. 

im sorry your day has been crap. I can listen if you want?

[Snowie]

Well I hope they listen to you @Bow and know that a break won't help you at all.

Even though it is daunting, maybe a change in psych will be helpful in the long run. It probably doesn't feel like it now with everything else going on, but maybe it might help.

That not knowing can increase our anxiety so much. Hopefully they can work it out soon for you. 

Maybe even ask if you have to wait till September to start seeing a new psych. Can it be earlier.

Oh, I know those walls. So easy to put up, yet so hard and time consuming to let down.

I don't think I can write on here what's happened today and where my head is. With the guidelines and the whole "try and be positive", it's just not happening.

[Bow]

@Snowie I actually seen the lady that I’d like to have as a psych today. She came out and got a client for their session. Either her… or even my old psych. I know that she still sees people there 🤷🏼‍♀️

and yeah would be great if I didn’t have to wait until September. Hard to do any meaningful work in just over a month. 

yeah I struggle with the recovery focus thing. It’s hard. Not every day is something positive. Or even a week. Are we then meant to just pretend and be fake? 

[Snowie]

Maybe you could just gently put forward their names to your CM @Bow A nice little hint!

It is hard doing work knowing that they are finishing up. I know that they will do a handover, but it still would be hard. All psych's approach people differently so it will defiantly be a change.

I know recovery has its ups and downs and you can't be positive all the time. I know that we have to follow guidelines. I know that I don't want to make things worse for others. I just struggle to be here knowing I feel like I cannot express myself. Idk, maybe its just me thinking too much.