Ups and Downs of Husband`s Mental Illness

[Decadian]

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@Shaz51 wrote:

Hello @Decadian, @Former-Member, @PeppiPatty, @skylight, @Biscuit, @Jen12, @Kanny, @Former-Member, @denial, @NotSoCrayCray, @MadameMeow, @JennyK, @NikNik

, this morning , everything i said, hubby would throw it back in my face like ;

do you want this for breakfast  -- no i want that

i have booked in this job today -- no we are going to do this job

I need to go tto the shop on the way home -- no i am going straight home

you are spending too much time on the computer -- nothing is getting done , --

that is because I have done everything

WOW, he did go on !!!

glad we had a cleaning job this morning , home at 12-30 and hubby has gone to sleep

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Hi @Shaz51

This was the post I was responding to - I had a lot of this with my ex - and as I said - I don't think he had an MI

But maybe he was depressed -

I liked to get up early on Saturdays and get the fruit and vegetables for a family of 4 when I had a bad shoulder  I couldn't use - but precious needed to lie in

And I often went to work leaving him still asleep

And he couldn't take something for a headache or a cold - but he loved to whine

So I wonder a lot about MI - and can sleep apnoea be an MI or cause one - like depression from sleeping badly

I have read everything you wrote after this - you had an independent life until you were into middle years and now I have the feeling you are being gas-lighted

I think I might be rattling

Sorry Shaz - this is a hard way to live

Dec [sending hugs]

[Shaz51]

That is a very good question @Shimmer, @CherryBomb

where could I start ???

any tips, ideas to get me started

[Shaz51]

thank you for the hugs @Decadian 

I am feeling a lot better today , still a bit tired but ok

I think when I have a yukky day like the other day , hubby is affected by it all day which gives him a bad day as well

yesterday hubby was on a roll all day , wow he did soo much , tired and worn out last night

[Decadian]

Hi @Shaz51

I can always send lots of hugs

I wonder a lot about MI - and I might be very wrong but it seems to me that women with MI struggle a lot with it - and reach out for help - at least from what I read here - but for the women whose partners have MI things are different - some men seem to think an MI is a reason to have time out when they feel like it

This of course is just what I am thinking - it might not be like this at all

My ex bf had a serious head-injury when he was young and he was allowed to have bad moods - and they could last all day and to him that was perfectly normal - so I would go home - I always had my own home - I didn't live with him

And if I had a bad mood that was disaster - was I going to spoil a whole day with my bad mood - and one one occasion I yelled at him "No - my bad mood will wear off really fast" - I used to yell a lot - that has worn off all these years I have lived with my cat

Anyway - yes - I guess it is hard for your partner if you have a bad day and he will catch your mood and react in whatever way he does

I am learning about MI - I have never thought much about it before this - of course I have read about it and see documentaries on TV - and I know people have mental disorders and often wonder if it is possible to not have a mental something and maybe this is all very normal

Our culture has taught us not to have bad thoughts or feel miserable because this is wrong - I don't know if it's wrong - I think it's just the way things are

But I get it that you can have a hard time with your husband - and your health is not good either - and I suspect you have chronic pain to a degree as well

So - hugs - hugs and more hugs - and I guess I will write long notes from time to time

Thinking of you

Dec

[Shaz51]

Hello my sister @Decadian xx

thank you for the hugs

yes men and women are soo different in soo many ways

yes i agree that women with MI struggle a lot with it - and reach out for help -or they do changes in their lifestyles to make life better and or managable

for the women whose partners have MI things are different , some men seem to think an MI is a reason to have time out when they feel like it, but not only that @Decadian, the partners start feeling like their mothers not their wives

what do you think @Uggy78, @Bandit1, @Liverpool10, @Delice, @NotSoCrayCray, @Former-Member, @Faith-and-Hope

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Shaz51 ....

I'm sure with some mi's it would be a bit difficult to not start treating your husband as if you were his mother, especially if part of his condition is to be sulky .... 

I have the opposite .... I have to keep reminding my husband that I am his wife, not one of the kids cos his mi has made him extremely controlling a lot of the time.  

This aspect is reducing somewhat .... when I am unresponsive to his damanding moods, or simply comply politely but coolly and not running to do his bidding, but responding like a courtesy .... he seems to have started rethinking what he has just done and softening his attitude a bit, or even explaining why he responded that way (no apology, but the softened attitude serves for that well enough) as if he felt guilty about having over-reacted or been too demanding about what he wanted help with.

❤️

[Shaz51]

The other Day @Faith-and-Hope

wow , something happend when his sister rang up -- she is very controlling , my hubby`s birthday is coming up and I was talking to her on the phone when she said can i talk to my brother

she said she is planning an dinner for his birthday , well when he put the phone away and told me , i cryed , I said why didn`t she ask me , you know what she is like said my husband , hey am I your wife or am i just someone taggiing along with you , you should be supporting me !!!!

Today she rang him up again to tell him about the birthday dinner

[Faith-and-Hope]

I think she is being very rude @Shaz51 .... but some people just accept when someone is that way and don't bother trying to push back against them.

It can leave you feeling very disempowered, but you do have some choices ....

You can voice to your husband, as you did, how upset you are, and expect him to get angry too, and tell his sister how you both feel, and ask her to cancel the dinner.

You can voice to your husband, as you did, how upset you are, and expect him to get gpangry too, and tell his sites that you are holding your own occasion for your husbands birthday, and inviting all the family, so she is welcome to join you, but it wouldn't be very sensible for her to hold a birthday dinner for him as well, considering that he is your husband and the occasion belongs to the two of you.

You can let your husband know how you feel, but not expect him to support you, because this has been going on so long he is not going to change in an instant.

You can choose not to attend the sister's dinner, giving one of several reasons .... you're upset that she made these arrangements without considering how you might feel ... you're not feeling well .... your mother isn't well and needs you .... 

You can go along with the plans graciously but coolly .... accepting that it shouldn't have been done that way but the sister is an old dog now, and not very capable of learning new tricks, and you have better things to spend your time and attention, and emotional well-being on.

Hugs @Shaz51 .... we appreciate you here .... ❤️💕🌷💐💗💜❣

[Shaz51]

Hello @Faith-and-Hope

You can go along with the plans graciously but coolly .... accepting that it shouldn't have been done that way but the sister is an old dog now, and not very capable of learning new tricks, and you have better things to spend your time and attention, and emotional well-being on.

yes @Faith-and-Hope, i will be doing this one

and hubby said tonight he should of said no to his sister but he didn`t andt tonight she rang and my hubby`s 3 sisters are coming and his mother and his daughter and her partner will be there -- so it will be very nice

I am closer to my other 2 sister in laws xx

[Faith-and-Hope]

Turn up with a birthday cake for him in your hands @Shaz51 .... it makes it very clear that if there is a queen of your hubby's birthday, it's you !!  

If she has one already, she can add it to the table as just another cake, or you can cut both of them for him, but get yourself in there sweetheart .... and don't forget some candles ❣

❤️💐💕